Day 1216

Post Admission Blues

The past few weeks post-admission have been overwhelming. I feel like I’ve lost my footing a little bit, both professionally and personally. The training wheels have come off and I’m… liable.

Whenever I’ve felt “controlled” .. I’ve had this urge to, lose control. As an ‘alpha,’ I suppose that’s been my way of ‘controlling’ the situation, but I haven’t been managing that too well.

Despite several years of practice, I still can’t control my feelings. I’ve gotten to the point where they no longer control me (yay for progress!), but I’m not immune to their existence and lately those feelings have been insecurity, uncertainty and unease.

Am I doing enough? Does anyone care? Am I even making a difference?

Work feelings bled into personal feelings; which I suppose is also progress from back in the day when personal feelings bled into work feelings; but its still not a good thing.

I’m an avid believe that motivation is intrinsic, so I knew where I had to go to find what I needed: the beginning.

When we feel like giving up, we have to remember why we started.

 

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The Balancing Act

Tags

ethics, justice, law, law school, law student, lawyers, legal practitioner, legal profession, morality, new lawyer, solicitor

Not enough/Way too much.
Can’t give up/can’t go on.
Why bother/try harder.
Can’t let go/Can’t move on.

One thousand two hundred and sixteen days ago I came to Australia.

In those one thousand two hundred and sixteen days, so much has happened. I did it, I got #lawyered. The thing with leaving your family to pursue your dreams and career is that when you achieve it, they’re not always there to share it with you.

And when your salary works out to be the same as a cashier (that’s if you work a 37.5 hour week, its even less when you work evenings and weekends), and long weekends are spent doing more work while your friends enjoy family time. It really makes you wonder whether you made the right choice.

I’m grateful, no doubt about it. I know many people have made many sacrifices to help me get to where I am today. The encouragement, the support. I think it’s safe to say a few glass ceilings were broken when a ‘single indian girl’ was sent by herself to study abroad for a second, and then third degree in lieu of getting married and starting a family. I get it, I asked for this. Hell, I fought for this.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I find myself wondering, was it worth it?