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Diwali; Darkness & The Scorpion New Moon?

Last Diwali, I wrote this post.

This year, I read this blog (warning: she drops the F-bomb, a few times).  But here’s the part that I found especially interesting:

“We can no longer turn our backs on the changes that have been beckoning to be made. The more we push them down, the harder they’ll push back. They’re ready to emerge, and they’re rocketing upwards with a beautiful, powerful, energizing vengeance.

We can decide whether that vengeance will come calling with new light, new love, new breath and the new way of life we’ve desperately been seeking (which has been here all along, just waiting for us create the necessary space for it by releasing our old, outmoded patterns and blockages), or we can feed into the negative aspects of this Scorpio-fueled metamorphosis and create a raging, harrowing, bang-your-head-against-the-wall vengeance with the help of our old friend we hate to love…Resistance. The most important thing we need to remember is to be in this process. Be here, now. Pay attention. Give it the focus and energy it deserves.”

Change. Change. CHANGE.

How many times has this blogged been subject to the topic of change? (HINT: Links lead to some of them!). Moving to Australia has by far been the biggest (and arguably, best) change in my own life. This blog even, which initially started as a resource for philotherapists became my own therapy. Stories about clients turned into stories about me and now, stories about ‘her.

Change is inevitable; however, there has been one thing I have had difficulty changing. There is a hurting in my heart that I’ve nurtured for years. I’ve struggled to let it go. A part of me has felt that letting it go would betray the happiness it once brought. It seemed hypocritical. In fear/pride/anger.. blind emotion, really. You know how people talk about their fitness journeys; falling off their diets, lacking discipline, etc. that’s how I’ve felt about this issue. Every Diwali, every new year, every birthday, heck after every ‘binge’ we resolve to let it go … and a few days later, it’s got a hold on us again. I’d say it fits the bill as an “outdated pattern.” I’ve let it have a hold on me. I’ve carried it in my heart, but it’s become a burden, a blockage to the ‘new life’ I’ve been desperately seeking.

As I’ve grown older and apart from the people and life I used to know, it’s gotten easier. I’ve started breaking the pattern. I understand (now) that the closure I seek is unavailable to me. The questions I have, will remain unanswered. I understand that the piece of me I gave away, I’ll never get back… and I realize, I don’t want it back.

This Diwali, I’ve decided, will come calling with new light. There are just too many synchronicities to ignore. Diwali, the SCORPION new moon (hello, I’m a scorpio!), WATER transformation (have you seen me around water??) … Life is telling me that the time for transformation is here! Whatever it was that I was looking for, waiting for, preparing for, it’s here. It’s not about changing who I am. It’s always been herebut now… Now, it’s time.