Day 163

Over the past week and a half I’ve been in a weird funk. And this funk has spread into school, training, relationships, pretty much every avenue of my life. I feel stagnated and the motivation to push forward just hasn’t been there.The emptiness has been filled with relentless echoes; …

Why bother?

Did I come top in my class?

Is my strength where I want it to be?

Do I look competition ready?

You’re neither strong nor lean and not at the top of your class?


What do you have to show for yourself?

Luckily, I have some good friends, great friends actually and an amazing family. They make up a pretty wicked support network even though we’re oceans apart.

My brother is the tough love;

“Fine, give up. Maybe you’re not cut out for it.”

Others are more forgiving;

“Be proud of what you’ve accomplished so far!”

Keep going lady!

…and so on.

But truly, motivation is an intrinsic thing. It has to come from within. So I took their (appreciated words) ainto consideration and searched.. and reflected.. Then I realised something.

Play your own game.
Numerous years of negative reinforcement have conditioned me to respond to tough love and no bullshit approaches, but at some point the pressure becomes too much and I lose interest in playing the game. Coincidently, this happens when I start peering over to see other peoples “games” and how other people are “playing.”

Truth of the matter is, someone is always willing to do what we’re not. Sure it’s easier to not play and save yourself the risk of losing, but when you’re playing your own game, there is no losing only winning and I like winning, a lot.

So, to kick my butt into gear, I’ve reset my own goals, and in the interest of keeping myself accountable, I posted a before and after picture and made a statement that I will be doing another photo shoot after graduation. Eek.

Knowingly, I didn’t put a date on my graduation. At least not on FB; that’s too public for me.

But again, in the interest of accountability, I will finish my JD in December 2014 and attend graduation ceremony on Feb. 14th, 2015! (Friends, start saving!!)

I have previously held myself to HD standard. I will not be doing that anymore. It’s unrealistic for me (someone who’s done relatively well through my undergraduate degree) to all of a sudden do exceedingly well in my graduate degree. It’s plausible, but to set that as a personal standard is just detrimental. This doesn’t mean my goal is to “be the best I can be,” no, that’s not enough pressure. The goal is to be better than I was yesterday.

That’s how my game works.

That’s how I play.

And I only play to win.