Below is an exerpt from a journal entry from August 23rd, 2011.

The past few weeks have been strange for a consistent reason. Mr.G. He initiated contact, approached me at the gym between sprints, then requested an add on Facebook. We exchanged a few messages, I remember seeing (and then reading) his blog, “his dark side” and wanting to know him, further.  Maybe he’s felt what I’ve felt. Maybe that darkenss in me is the same darkness in him. Maybe he’s found light in that darkness or a channel for it. See, all that stuff speaks to me in volumes.  For over a year know I’ve been teetering with this idea of a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, though I wouldn’t go so far as to diagnose myself as bipolar, or mentally ill for that matter, it has brought a fair bit of unrest.  My interest in the area has primarily been for self-development/self-awareness. I am very aware of the certain qualities and characteristics that I have attributed to Mr. Hyde (the dark) and Dr.Jekyll (the light).  I also am very interested in dichotomies, good /bad, privilege/deprivation, power struggles, dynamics, the concept of balance. But perhaps my primary focus has been with discipline and asceticism. I feel as though in the last little while I’ve been confusing deprivation with discipline. From my knowledge and understanding of the Bhagavad Gita, I understand the importance of detachment, from material things, material world and people.

What concerns me is the irony or the synchronicity that life is presenting these days.  I’m not sure what to make of it and I feel as though, because it’s so obvious, I’m supposed to make something of it.  I’m a little scared. I want guidance as I venture into these “dark” arts and search for the “demons” within.  But I don’t want to lose myself or my spirit.  I’m not sure whether this is the devil leading my astray, or if this is a higher power saying “look, you wanted/needed an outlet for the negative.. here it is!” 

I doubt, or rather question, my understanding and perception of things as they are meant to be. I feel as though I lack “the wisdom to know the difference.”  I’m not sure where this path leads, or whether trusting a stranger to whom I feel deeply connected to by circumstance and synchronicity. I guess time will tell.

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